The Comfort of Traditions Lost

In 2000, Harvard Professor Robert Putnam wrote the landmark book Bowling Alone. A rare piece of academic work, Bowling Alone actually seeped into popular culture. Putnam uses an array of indicators about the social “connectedness” of Americas (including our participation in bowling leagues, believe it or not) to argue what we already know—these days, Americans are less connected to their communities and extended families. The list of factors contributing to isolation is long but includes sky-high divorce rates, geographic mobility of individuals and families, the fragmentation of extended families, and declining affiliations with communities of faith and ethnic origin, among others. Despite Putnam’s exhaustive and compelling study, I do know is that weddings provide a momentary respite for this descent into social isolation…..weddings offer a rare chance for people to physically re-connect with loved ones and, sometimes, even reach back for lost cultural traditions, even if they are small.

The other day I was having an email exchange with a bride who was marrying a fellow of Italian ancestry. She was interested in integrating “something Italian” into the wedding ceremony. Because so many traditional Italian ceremonies are intimately connected with specifically Roman Catholic services (this was an interfaith marriage, with the ceremony not conducted by a traditional clergy person), she was puzzled about what options might exist.

I did a bit of sleuthing in various books and on websites to find a cornucopia of small rituals that could be woven into any sort of wedding. For example, in Italy, little bags of almonds, known as confetti, are given to the guests after the wedding as keepsakes. The almonds, representing the sweet & bitter nature of life, should come in bags of 5 or 7 almonds, which are supposed to bring good luck. Likewise, I learned that some brides and grooms in Southern Italy break a glass at the end of the wedding day. Common wisdom says that the number of pieces that the glass shatters into represents the number of years that the couple will be happily married. And according to The Knot, the Tarantella—a stately and elegant courtship dance (which if not already, should be added to the repertoire of Dancing with the Stars required performances)—is commonly performed by the Bride and Groom at the reception. After finding wedding favors designed with beautiful Murano glass, made in Venice, I realized the list of ways that a bride could honor her groom’s Italian heritage, was limitless.

As something of a Communitarian myself, my hope is that these nods to culture during wedding planning can spark a sustained interest in family heritage. But it is nice to know that a celebration about love can, at least, open conversations about ethnic ancestry, ceremonial customs, and connections to generations past. And, on the eve of Thanksgiving, for that I am grateful.

Gone, but not Forgotten

From time-to-time I log on to the message boards on weddingbee.com. For those of you who don’t know, it is a no-holds-barred discussion of all things-wedding. I like to keep my finger on the pulse of contemporary brides. Wedding Bee has created an elaborate message board system with threads on dozens of topics (photographers, dresses, florists, etc) and also has message boards for brides in a particular geographic area. These brides provide a treasure trove of information, even on the most arcane topics and delicate etiquette questions.

Of late I have found an interesting and compelling series of discussions about honoring deceased family members during wedding ceremonies. While weddings are joy-filled occasions, it is important for couples to remember who could not be there, as well as those guests in attendance. So the question is—what sorts of ceremonial touches can be added to honor those who have passed.

A number of interesting ideas have been put forward: some brides light a candle in memory of the loved one, perhaps coupled with a photograph of the individual. I have seen such rituals at the beginning of the ceremony and then referenced during the proceedings. One bride said that empty chairs were being left in the front row, representing loved ones lost. Each chair would hold a bunch of flowers. This made me think of a Scandinavian tradition where the bride has two bouquets of flowers—one for the wedding and one to be placed at the grave of the departed relative. Finally, many young women indicated that they were noting their loved ones in the program to be handed out to guests.

Perhaps my favorite activity that served this function took place at a young colleagues wedding. To honor the deceased parents of the groom, there was a butterfly release during the ceremony. According to some Native/First People’s folklore, when one whispers a wish to a silent butterfly, she carries that wish to Heaven. Guests were ask to take a moment to remember the parents.

So while weddings aren’t usually thought of as times to remember those who are no longer with us, there are fantastic and moving options to honor loved ones during creative wedding ceremonies.

p.s. Since writing this essay a year ago, I have now made it a tradition to give each one of "my" brides a vintage butterfly pin, to add to her collection of wedding remembrances. In addition to the wonderful Native American folklore, the butterfly is a fabulous symbol of personal change and growth, for brides and grooms, as individuals and as a couple.

The Bridge to a New Life Together

It is a wonderful thing to live in New York, the home of so many immigrants. There is simply no other place in America where one can find such a variety of people representing virtually every continent and culture. So, a good number of the couples who I am fortunate to marry, come to the Big Apple after a significant personal voyage…literally.

Olga and Maxim had their own heroic journeys to their wedding day. Both born in the Russian Federation, they met here in Brooklyn some years ago. (I cannot help but digress as we have just passed the 20 year anniversary of the falling of the Berlin Wall. I am quite conscious of the fact that during the old days of the "Soviet Empire," my couple would not have had the opportunity to come to the United States—a triumph of peace and diplomacy, indeed.) In many ways their courtship was typical with long walks and conversations, shared interest in music, and the connection to another homeland. They did, however, face challenges of intercontinental separation, jobs changes, and immigration policies, but one thing they knew is that they were meant to be together. A month or so ago, Olga approached me about performing a ceremony on the Brooklyn Bridge, a place of sentimental attachment to her. As a celebrant, I relish the opportunity to perform weddings in unusual venues. I am embarrassed to admit that I had never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, so what better opportunity to make the trek than officiating a wedding, mid-point?

The wedding, on Friday the 13th, coincided with an unusually strong Nor’easter, with rain and very cold blasts of wind. Despite the frigid temperatures, our bride wore a classic, contemporary (and strapless!) dress. Both the “maid of honor,” her sister, and the “best man” were Russian. So, as we approached the vows, I passed the baton to the groom’s dear friend, who recited the vows to the couple, in their mother tongue.

The ceremony was private, just the five of us, and the magnificence of the bridge was not lost on us. As I said in their ceremony, “There are few vistas that are more intimately connected with all of the wonder and hope and grandeur that is New York. This bridge embodies the possibility of human ingenuity, artistic vision, cooperation, and dedication—all elements of successful lives and marriages. Moreover, the bridge is a palpable reminder of connections and transitions, between your lives, your original homeland, your families, and your future. This day and place is a threshold whereby you are passing from two individuals who are deeply in love to become a married couple and a new family.”

And so it was. When performing weddings in public venues, such as this, I always feel as though I am offering a blessing to the passers-by. Who, after all, doesn’t love a wedding? On a cold blustery day, to see a young woman, in full wedding regalia, her sister in a long, beautiful red dress, two dapper young men, and a very cold celebrant engaging in one of the most significant transitional moments in life…..it doesn’t get better than that!

With This Ring....

It is the proposal—typically accompanied by the giving of a ring—that begins the engagement, a time of preparation not only for the wedding but the marriage. While I dare say that the typical American bride spends a good bit of time and energy thinking about her engagement ring, the ring vows and exchange during the wedding ceremony seem like a minor point in the entire affair. However, in a richly personalized ceremony, the symbolism of a ring can be nicely underscored.

The power and imagery of the ring is potent—the circle reminds us of the unending nature of love. It is with no beginning or end. The rings are made of precious metals to symbolize not only the value of the relationship but the strength of the bond. Since the time of the ancient Egyptians, people have said that the vein runs from the fourth finger of the left hand to the heart, explaining why most couples wear bands on that finger.
These body adornments are the most immediate sign to the outside world that one person has made an enduring commitment to another.

There are many tidbits of wisdom and folklore surrounding the ring. My good friend Adrienne shared a fun little book with me, Happy is the Bride the Sun Shines On: Wedding Beliefs, Customs, and Traditions by Leslie Jones. Among the many bits of folklore she provides are the following……“The groom should make a wish as he puts the ring on the bride’s finger”……… “It’s lucky if the groom buys the wedding ring with money from the sale of something very dear to him”……. “The number of diamonds in one’s engagement ring is the number of children the bride will bear” ….“It is good luck to have one’s birthstone in her engagement ring, but opals and pearls are bad luck in the ring.”

Despite the standard format of most ring ceremonies, there are interesting “flourishes” one may wish to consider. For instance, more and more modern brides are wearing colored gemstones in engagement rings, which offer fabulous notions that can be incorporated into the wording. One of “my” recent brides received an engagement ring which included sapphires from the groom’s mother. To the ceremony, I added a bit about the meaning of this favorite blue gemstone: the sapphire, a precious emblem of heaven, virtue, truth, constancy, and contemplation.

Likewise if a ring is a family heirloom or was custom-designed for the couple, this is a wonderful chance to discuss the love of family or the intent of the bride and groom in designing and selecting the rings. (As I was writing this blog posting, I even noticed that a socially conscious bride and groom can buy co-called conflict free diamonds, from a progressive company, as advertised on the “Offbeat Bride” website!)

The ring exchange may even allow the community of guests to be involved in the ceremony. I recently led a community blessing of the rings at a modest sized wedding. As we prepared to begin the wedding, the couple’s bands were passed person-to-person to each wedding guest. Each individual held the rings in his or her warm hands for a moment, pausing to offer, in silence, a blessing to the couple. The rings eventually made their way back to the bride and groom, for the vows and exchange.

So, I close these musings with a suggestion to brides, grooms and officiants: the wedding ring vows and exchange, like so many other components of the traditional wedding ceremony, offer a unique moment to personalize the ceremony~

Tying the Knot

Last month, I had the very great pleasure to marry Cynthia and Fran, a lovely couple in Connecticut. From our first email exchange, I could sense that this was a special couple—gentle spirits in a sometimes harsh world. In all of our wedding preparations they were kind, gracious, and lovely.

Cynthia and Fran represented a “dream couple” for any Celebrant. They were creative, innovative, fun and gracious. Both were reflective and considerate and provided fabulous material to help me create a special narrative of their romance and path to the altar. It took a number of years for this romance to blossom, but as I said in the ceremony, this couple embodied the expression, “Good Things Come to Those Who Wait!”

A special ceremonial flourish was courtesy of Fran, who is of Filipino ancestry. From the beginning of our work together, Fran and Cynthia clear that they wanted to pay special honor to his Motherland. After reviewing numerous ritual choices, they decided that they wanted to include a traditional “cording” ceremony as they took their wedding vows. Many ethnic and religious traditions provide colorful rituals to represent the unification of a man and a woman (not to mention two families and potentially two cultures) in the wedding proceedings. In this sweet ritual, the mothers of our bride and groom lovingly placed a decorative cord over the necks of the bride and groom. The ritual had several interpretations. The cord was symbolically placed in a figure eight configuration, representing the infinite nature of the new union—marriage is for all time. Moreover, the strength of the cord, as shown in the picture below, is a visual representation of the power of the marriage union. Just lovely!

The cording ceremony is part of a long list of unifying rituals ranging from “handfasting” to sand ceremonies. I relish the opportunity to draw in the customs of the bride and/or groom’s ethnic background(s) in fashioning a ceremony. The expressions of love and commitment are limitless and American couples are increasingly drawing upon the customs of their countries of origin, allowing an expansive cornucopia of beautiful ceremonies. So for this lovely experience, I thank my bride and groom, their extraordinary family members, the staff of the Stonecroft Inn and such and Ian Pawluck photographer capturing the moment.