Wedding Belles & Wedding Bells

For many reasons, young couples request private, impromptu weddings in New York. Through the generosity of my Celebrant colleague Shauna Kanter, I was afforded the opportunity to perform such a ceremony yesterday morning. After cursory email exchanges, I was asked to perform a “standard,” no frills ceremony for a young couple downtown. They needed to have their legal paperwork in order, before heading off to Europe for a grand, destination wedding attended by family and friends. My impression was that they would be fine if I dropped by their apartment and provided them with an experience like one they might have with a notary public….impersonal, bland, quick, and perfunctory. I, of course, would have none of it! In these instances, I try—gently, I hope—to remind brides and grooms that while their focus has been on their public wedding, this moment was important and special in its own way. THIS was a date they will always remember, when they take vows representing promises made long ago in their hearts. Why rush through it? Even without a fancy ceremony, we (the bride, groom, myself, and the witnesses) could savor this day in the life of these beautiful young people. And so we did.

As I had my hair done for the occasion, I dashed off special words for “my” couple that might help them remember this day for its own unique wonder. I arrived at their door carrying a bag of celebrant tricks: a hastily prepared bouquet of flowers from my local bodega—pretty pink and white flowers tied with white satin ribbon; a “bride’s cake” (vanilla cupcake with vanilla icing from “Crumbs”) and “groom’s cake” (chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing) for sharing sweets after the vows; and a bundle of white balloons. I couldn’t manage to get butterflies or doves for a post ceremony release, but these worked fabulously.

I was extremely pleased that the couple and their attendants had gotten into the spirit of the day. The bride looked stunning in a strapless white dress. The groom wasn’t wearing anything special, but he was beaming. After initially thinking that they wouldn’t “bother” to take pictures, they changed their mind. Soon, the bridesmaid was wielding a video camera with the passion and prowess of Steven Speilberg, while the best man took photos throughout our little ceremony. These are keepsakes, after all!

We made our way to a fabulous roof garden. The only request of the bride and groom was that we time the ceremony so that the declaration of marriage would coincide with the bells ringing at noontime. Their building was near a famous clock tower in lower Manhattan. I was game! In the early days, the bells tolled after weddings to chase demons and evil spirits away. I provided an alternative description. I suggested to our bride and groom that in the future, be it in their neighborhood, on a holiday in Europe or anywhere else, when they heard bells to return to this intimate ceremony and remember all the blessings that had been bestowed upon them. So often we rush through moments in life, be they small or “big,” without savoring them. Many cultures use bells and chimes to center the mind and spirit. And bells chiming, in churches or elsewhere, are such a joyous expression of love and marriage. (One of my favorite movie moments of all time is that scene from the Sound of Music where two of the Von Trapp boys are ringing the Cathedral bells after Maria and the Captain are married!). What a lovely idea this was.

So our ceremony commenced. Vows were exchanged. And when the bells started at noontime, I declared them Man and Wife! In a delicious coda, after the ceremony was over the bride said, “It’s a funny thing, we hated those bells going off when we moved into this apartment.” Isn’t it nice how our perspective can change?

So, to my young couple, peace and all good things. Have a most fabulous celebration in Europe. Blessings to you.

(Cyber) Web of Love

Today is a special day. Katie Price and her beloved Anthony are getting married! Katie’s mother Janet is a childhood friend of mine. Janet, a beautiful woman inside and out, was a lovely young bride. She and her adoring Steve grew up together—their happy marriage has seen them through Steve’s medical school, residency, board exams, and the birth and rearing of eight (yes 8!) much loved children. Katie is the oldest. Janet’s marriage is always one that I hold up as an example of how it can really work. She and Steve adore each other and even after more than 20 years of marriage, they have weekly “date night.” Janet glows when she speaks of Steve (and vice-versa). Katie could not have had more loving role models of a married couple.

It wasn’t a surprise when her lovely daughter Katie got engaged before finishing nursing school. In typical “Price family fashion,” Katie finished school, passed her nursing exams, and prepared for a wedding, all without breaking a sweat. No doubt, this wedding will be a magnificent occasion. The Price family is deeply faithful and this celebration will be about much more than flowers and food at the reception.

Over these months of wedding preparation, I have been amused by the wonderful power of “social media” to draw in the Price Family’s enormous and sprawling network of friends and family into the process. We as Celebrants sometimes lament that the time leading up to the wedding often has little to do with marriage and a lot to do with party planning. In an effort to address this imbalance, we offer spiritually inclined “showers” that allow for friends and family of the bride (or the bride and groom) to gather as a community offering her advice, support, comfort and wisdom (as opposed to lingerie from Victoria’s Secret or pre-registered gifts from Crate & Barrel). In certain respects, I have witnessed this sort of coming together on Facebook, of all places. After some trepidation about social networking, Baby Boomers (and those of us lodged between the Boomers and Gen X) have embraced Facebook with great enthusiasm. So throughout Katie’s engagement, I was able to read loving postings from Mom Janet, Katie’s sweet Aunts, Cousins, her Grandparents, and many friends. Mixed with words of loving kindness were the fun updates on wedding planning “stuff” (“We went to hear musicians today”…..”We did reception food tastings”……”Katie had her final fitting”…..). We were all part of the wedding planning process. In these final days before the wedding, Janet posted meaningful passages and appropriately sentimental wedding songs from You Tube. Last night’s selection, “I Loved Her First,” by Heartland, allowed me to shed tears in unison with another family friend in the Midwest.

So as those of us in remote locations wait for the inevitable pictures posted on Facebook after the big event, we are connected together in a cyber-web of love and appreciation for a young bride and groom, a loving family and the many blessings that have been bestowed upon them. We raise our hearts to Katie and Anthony!

Peace and all good things. Love, Aunt-ish Sarah

Social Science Research Meets Love

As I have fully embraced my role as a celebrant, I find myself thinking about relationships and marriages a lot. We celebrants take great pride in “telling the story” of the couple about to be married. It is a wonderful, sweet, moving part of the ceremony–how “our” couple found each other, fell in love, and decided to marry. I try to fill these stories with all of the gravity (and levity) that a wedding day deserves.

This morning I decided to try an experiment. On my facebook page, I invited “friends” to tell me how they met their beloved. A couple of dozen individuals replied. It was great fun reading about their experiences. While there were some themes among the folks who replied, the bottom line: magic–just plain magic–happens all the time. I don’t know if my sample is a representative one, but a few people met in school, some met at work. I had a good number of “was introduced by a mutual friend,” etc. etc.

But then there were posts like this, from my high school friend Melody: I was working a 2nd job bartending part-time when I was a single mom w/ 2 boys and he was the Budweiser man. He never knew what hit him, he is still shaking his head 17 years later. Or how about this, from my colleague Cheryl: we met in a baseball chat room just by chance. I had never been in a chatroom and it was the first time I wandered in. Started talking to him, then after about 2 hours of online talk, he wanted my number. I was anxious, but something told me to give it to him. We talked for another three hours and then every night since then. After 4 months of long distance talk, we met in person, hit it off, and we decided that I should move to NYC. Moved in Sept 05, got married Nov 07, going on two years now! Everytime I meet a couple, I am dumb struck by the “chances” that they found each other. It is all a wonderful miracle of the universe.

This evening, after work, I was out with a few of my girlfriends. These ladies are dynamite–smart, attractive, witty, accomplished, and kind. And, for the most part, they are still looking for amazing companionship. In a city like New York, for women of a certain age, the oft-quoted statistics can be overwhelming. But, I hope when these super women read this blog they might take away my hypothesis–magic happens all the time. It can happen anytime. And it need only happen once.

p.s. The shot above is of Carmie and Bob. They recently renewed their wedding vows in NY, in honor of their 10th wedding anniversary. She is originally from Montreal; Bob is from Toronto. They met on a seemingly mundane business training trip to NYC, 12 years ago. Magic.