A Special Day for Children, too

In numerous blog postings, I have commented on the ever-changing nature of American families and the weddings they choose to create. The new American family may likely be a blended one, with children from prior marriages. And, just like in Hollywood, lots of couples have their own children before exchanging wedding vows, these days. Whatever the circumstances, brides and grooms are seeking special ways to involve children in their wedding ceremonies. After all, the celebration is not exclusively about the uniting of the couple, but about the creation of this new family, too.

Over the last months, I have married men and women who have children ranging from two to 22. One of the simplest ways to acknowledge kids at the wedding is through the telling of the couple’s love story. As a celebrant, one of the ceremony anchors that I rely upon is a well-crafted, personalized narrative of the bride and groom’s romance—the heart of the wedding ceremony. Detailing the couple’s history provides a beautiful occasion to mention the children, underscoring the love and commitment offered by the birth parent and the new parental figure. This is a clear way for parents to honor children, without making kids (or parents) anxious about directly participating in the wedding. Some parents choose to make special vows of support to their children during the wedding, perhaps presenting youngsters with a present or token, such as a medallion or piece of jewelry.

For children who aren’t bashful about joining in the celebration, they can be terrific additions to the bridal party. Eager youngster may be adorable flower girls, ring-bearers, or ushers. A helpful website “I Do, Take Two,” outlines fun ideas for kids, ranging from decorating the bride and groom’s car for departure to making the wedding programs. During a sweet November wedding that I officiated, the bride’s seven year old son gently held the rings, while the couple’s two year old daughter squealed with delight, literally running circles around the bridal party—a much loved Whirling Dervish! By contrast, in December, one of “my” brides chose to have the groom’s two teen-aged sons walk her down the aisle for the processional. The options are limitless.

Other couples choose to have children actively participate in a unifying ritual, a potent symbolic gesture. In a wedding that I officiated last week, the bride had two teen-aged daughters, who were invited to partake in the unity candle ceremony. The daughters brought forward a burning candle to their mother. (The groom’s parents did the same for him.) The bride and groom, having received light from their families, then joined the flame together, as a demonstration of their new family—and one strong flame. The increasingly popular sand ceremony functions in much the same way, with individuals holding containers of different colored sand. Each person pours his container of sand into a larger vase, representing the new blended family. As the sands integrate to form a unique pattern, this work of art reminds everyone of the new family being joined together.

The possibilities for incorporating kids into a special day are vast, limited only by the imagination of the couple (and their celebrant!). With an eye towards flexibility and a readiness for the unexpected, brides and grooms can bask in the participation of their children in the special day.

Photo provided by David Myles Photography.

Every Couple has a Love Story

This year, I am fortunate to be on faculty at the Celebrant Foundation & Institute, the wonderful organization which trains individuals, in America and elsewhere, to perform weddings and other celebrations. This week’s class module was about the vital role of storytelling in the lives of individuals and communities. As I prepared for class, I was struck by the fact that there is a noticeable disconnect between our natural tendency to tell personal stories and the inclusion of these narratives in typical wedding ceremonies.

I believe that most people have a great desire to have their voices “heard.” The goal, I imagine, is enhanced self-awareness and a greater connection with loved ones. These seemingly ethereal goals can be met in simple ways such as updates on Facebook, Twitter, or postings in the blogosphere. Sharing about wedding plans is no different, as many brides and grooms create websites and blogs to chronicle impending nuptials, facilitating virtual conversations with family and friends and heightening anticipation for the special day.

The wonderful writer Christina Baldwin adds that storytelling not only serves the individual but it functions as a connector to a broader community and shared history. Like that need to be heard, men and women hold a similar drive to know “where they come from.” The enthusiastic pursuit of genealogical projects and the popularity of newly-developed personal DNA tests, literally mapping our history, are but two tools that people use to link with original homelands and past generations.

My underlying question in this rambling essay is this…..In standard wedding ceremonies, where do we find this passion for storytelling? I would argue that, to a large degree, it is simply not there! What a shame that the couple’s story is not highlighted during this profound rite of passage.

Celebrants know that offering such a narrative is the heart and soul of a day’s events. Our unique essays are written around simple, but wonderful, questions like “How did you meet?”……. “Tell me about your first date”…… “How does your partner show that he/she loves you?”………. “When did you know this partnership was forever?”……. “What are your dreams for the future?” The couple’s journey is reflected with all of the gravity and levity that it deserves, while recognizing their personalities and sensibilities. The narrative also offers the occasion to honor family members and ethnic ties. The storytelling, in my experience, establishes an obvious intimacy between and among the couple and guests, whether the guest list is 20 or 200. So, as you think about your wedding, I invite you to ponder the unique gifts of a ceremony that tells your story. Celebrants know that it makes all the difference on your wedding day.

Photograph generously provided by John Mazlish.

A Winter Princess Marries her Prince Charming

One of the great things about a Celebrant-led wedding is that the ceremony can be breathtaking and spectacular in unexpected ways. Lately, it seems, there is an emerging interest in so-called theme weddings. The possibilities for these gatherings are only limited by the imagination. Whether a costume ball for a Halloween wedding or an outdoor ceremony reflecting the bride and groom’s fascination with Medieval history, theme weddings can be a breath of fresh air for the couple, guests, and even the officiant.

I was fortunate enough to participate in a themed-type event on Christmas Eve. For those who haven’t been to New York City during the holidays, it is hard to convey just how magical it is. Even during the challenging days of the recession, the retailers, city officials and others, bring out the finest holiday decorations, as they have for so many years. Fifth Avenue, a world class shopping area, has absolutely spectacular decorations from the window displays at Saks Fifth Avenue to the Cartier Jewelry Store, festively wrapped as a package. For blocks and blocks, one will see lights and adornments that, as far as I know, are simply unmatched in other grand cities around the world. Walking north on Fifth Avenue, one will eventually bump into Central Park—always lovely—is especially stunning when blanketed in snow. The crown jewel of the holiday decorations is most certainly Rockefeller Plaza, perfectly placed in midtown Manhattan. With the enormous Christmas tree, skating rink, life-sized nutcrackers, and 50+ waving flags in red, green and gold, the Plaza will turn even the most hardened holiday scrooge into a jolly soul.

On Christmas Eve, Karina and Nick, a lovely young couple from Ohio, harnassed the holiday exuberance at Rockefeller Plaza into a late afternoon wedding ceremony. It was a real delight. Karina, a naturally pretty woman, looked like a winter princess. She wore a beautifully designed strapless white wedding dress with all of the beading and sparkles of a new bride. On her head sat a crystal tiara that would do the Swarovski Company proud. Draped around her shoulders was a custom-made hooded holiday cape—cherry red with white fur trimming. Her bouquet, made in England, included a bundle of winter berries. Even the groom sported a blazing red shirt under his black suit. I was in the spirit with my own red dress.

While the couple planned a private ceremony at the Plaza promenade, with the tree prominently in the background, I knew it would be anything but “private.” Passers-by love to see weddings—always, anytime, and anywhere. And for tourists lucky enough to be in New York for the holiday, a romantic wedding in front of the world’s most famous Christmas Tree is a feast for the eyes and the heart. Those in the area gathered around to be a part of “our” wedding. I could literally see the twinkle in a number of eyes. No doubt these were people renewing their own wedding vows, privately in their hearts. At the end of our sweet ceremony, a tourist and police officer served as our witnesses. The bride and groom were swept away to take photographs at landmarks including St. Patrick’s Cathedral. They completed their evening with a carriage ride around Central Park and dinner at the famed Tavern on the Green. Our couple has returned to family and friends in Ohio, but I know they will cherish their fairy tale wedding for the rest of their lives.

Photograph courtesy of Laura Pennace Photography.