Bethenny Getting Married...the Search for an Officiant

I blame this on my very good friend Denise, but I find myself watching “reality” TV shows, lately—more than I would care to admit. From time to time, I tuned in to “Bethenny Getting Married.” I rationalized by thinking it was relevant to my work as a Celebrant. For those who don’t know Bethenny Frankel, she was one of the “The Real Housewives of New York City,” part of the Bravo series. Bethenny is a very attractive 30-something woman of great accomplishment in the worlds of food and entertaining and is considered something of a staple on the New York Post’s “Page Six” gossip column. To those of us looking on, she is the consummate “personality” gifted in the art of business and self-promotion.

Perhaps 18 months ago, she met the man of her dreams. After a whirlwind romance (and subsequent pregnancy) she found herself planning her dream wedding. These developments must have made the Bravo television producers deliriously happy; for, it naturally meant a spin-off, “Bethenny Getting Married.” Over the course of a dozen or so “episodes,” the New York glamour girl planned a very high-end wedding, with her trademark wit and a dose of self-deprecating humor. Having been an event planner, she knew the ins-and-outs of a grand affair. She was accompanied in her planning process by a New York wedding planner of some note. The series chronicled—in great detail—her a campaign to secure the Four Seasons Restaurant for her venue, the search for a stunning dress that could accommodate her growing belly, and the trek to locate the perfect red velvet cake.

Given the work I do, I was chomping at the bit to see who would officiate her wedding! Late in the season, the answers were revealed. And I have to say I was pretty disappointed. The mention of an officiant (to my mind a pretty important part of the wedding) was left until the last minute. I think it eventually occurred somewhere between her shopping break for baby clothes and the bachelor/bachelorette getaway to Atlantic City’s Borgota Hotel. My mind whirled…could she selected one of the gifted women who trained with my program at the Celebrant Foundation? Perhaps it was a Clergy Person/Rabbi from her childhood. Nope. It was a woman, whose name I can’t even recall, who ushered Bethenny and her fiancé Jason Hoppy into a non-descript office. The officiant asked some perfunctory question and that was about it. At one point there was a cutaway to Bethenny’s moment of crying about the absence of an intact family of origin, but the entire appointment (at least how it was portrayed on the series) was essentially a drive-by meeting. Where was the discussion about vows, readings, rituals? Did the woman want to know about their personal story and romance? How might the couple choose to remember the groom’s brother who had passed at a young age? Or what of the new family they were creating?

All of this made me realize that our tribe of Celebrants, who specialize in creative, personalized stories and ceremonies have a long way to go in educating the public about the real possibilities of a creative wedding ceremony. Obviously given the high-profile nature of the wedding, she could have hired the “best of the best” in the officiating field. I’m sorry that no one made her aware of the wonderful choices she had in this regard.

Perhaps she will be more informed when she decides about someone to lead a Baby Welcoming/Blessing Ceremony now that her bundle of joy has arrived! (Bethenny, please visit my new website about these ceremonies!)

Where to Marry?

Couples coming to New York to marry face an embarrassment of riches in choosing a spot for their nuptials. Even those who know they want to marry in Central Park must choose from dozens of popular spots for the wedding from the Cop Cot Gazebo and Gapstow bridge on the southern end of the park to the Ladies’ Pavilion, Shakespeare Garden, Bethesda Foundation,and Belvedere Castle to the west to the Conservatory Garden on the north end. Each, of course, has its own unique characteristics, histories, and charms.

Of course, in a city of 7 million, there are other iconic spots for a ceremony including the Brooklyn Bridge, Times Square, Rockefeller Center Promenade, Battery Park, and the Staten Island Ferry!

To assist my couples travelling from another American state or abroad, I have created a fun blog to provide a bit of history and “insider’s information” about their potential as a small wedding venue. I have added slide shows that include photos of some of my couples who have married in the park. I am eager to provide clear, concise, and visually appealing information, in one easy location. Please visit it—and often, as I am continually updating it with innovative “NYC Wedding Spots.”

The photo above was generously provided by the 3 West Club in midtown Manhattan!

Religious Rituals for a Non-Religious Bride & Groom

As a Celebrant, I work with couples who hold many viewpoints on religion and spirituality. In explaining my work with new clients, I mention that to my way of thinking, Celebrants provide (to use a “political” term heard a few years ago) a “third way” in developing important life ceremonies and rites of passages. We work with people who may not be able to (or may not wish to) hold these important events in houses or worship, but they prefer to have a celebration that is not satisfied by a purely administrative ceremony, such as a justice of the peace. We represent everyone else--which, these days, is a vast proportion of the population. My couples come in all philosophical shapes and sizes...those who are of an interfaith perspective, some identify as “spiritual but not religious” or secular humanists, and many are nominally connected to the faith of their families of origin but do not practice.

Many couples will come to me with an awkwardness about how to “handle” religious traditions and faith matters in a respectful way, to honor their parents, all the while realizing that at least at this point in their lives they do not practice. I firmly believe that as Celebrants we are uniquely qualified to guide these delicate matters with sensitivity. I attempt to reassure couples that there are elegant options that we can show respect and honor to the faith tradition(s) of their families while not calling upon the Bride and Groom to feel inauthentic about the words and rituals of the ceremony.

First, there are often ways to couch rituals in terms of cultural connections as opposed to highly religious language. This is particularly effective with respect to Jewish customs like standing below a chuppah during the ceremony or the breaking at the glass at the end of the service. Many American Jews hold closely to the cultural and historical connections of their Judaism, with being observant (or perhaps nominally observant on High Holidays). As such, the descriptions of these rituals can reflect this orientation. Likewise, there are ways to draw parallels between certain religious ceremonies within a wedding and a more secularized approach to the concept. For example, a Jewish couple will include the signing of a Ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract, as part of a religious service, but a ceremonial signing of the marriage license can certainly resemble this kind of ritual. The familiar Christian unity candle can be referenced by leaning on the universal symbolism of light as a sign of goodness—and Godliness. I have been delighted how a number of my clever couples have used their wedding programs, which are often a rudimentary listing of the bridal party and order of the ceremony, to provide creative explanations of rituals or objects we are including in the wedding. I think this is particularly helpful for those who may be unfamiliar with a faith tradition.

Another beautiful way to negotiate this potentially ticklish situation is to involve an honored guest who is practicing the faith to lead that portion of the ceremony. It will most certainly provide a great deal of satisfaction on their part, without the bride or groom feeling as if they are overly stating their current commitments. In a recent ceremony joining a non-practicing Jewish groom and his non-practicing Protestant bride, the groom asked his beloved Grandfather, who observed, to read the traditional 7 Jewish blessings at the end of the ceremony. The Grandfather (who is now among my all-time favorite wedding guests) read the tradition blessings in Hebrew, followed by a modernized version blessings in English. What could be more inclusive than this?

At the end of the day, the goal of any wedding is to underscore the values and ideals that are shared between the couple and among the guests—but there are so many ways to do that with creativity, style, respect, and flourish, honoring the past and recognizing that the couple, as a new family, will have ideas and customs all their own.