Beautiful Ceremonies for All

The end of the year is always a time of contemplation, reflection, gratitude, and renewed hope. I feel particularly grateful this year as my long-time companion developed a sudden and serious health condition, requiring emergency surgery, just days ago. A supremely healthy individual who takes excellent care of his physical health, my boyfriend’s illness reminded me of the fact that our personal fortunes may change swiftly. I am glad to report that his recovery has been, it appears, as speedy as the lightening-quick onset of the condition. No doubt, this has been an emotional jolt, requiring that I re-evaluate how I spend my time and life.

My entire career has been marked by jobs and charitable activities in the non-profit sector. Over the years, I have been involved in progressive public policy ventures, work with children and families, initiatives with arts and culture institutions, and women’s economic development work, among others. As I have fully embraced my Celebrant practice, performing weddings and other life-cycle ceremonies, I have found that my time—and, frankly my resources—have shifted away from front-line charities, to this endeavor. Indeed, serving as a Celebrant is amazingly rewarding. And, I do believe that connecting with people during some of their most transformative life experiences (both joyous and difficult) is a real form of service. But to be honest, my clients are generally firmly rooted in the middle-class. A while back, I instituted a program, “Weddings with a Heart,” which sought to develop a more direct connection between my good fortune to work in this field with the great needs in New York and beyond. As I developed relationships with “my” couples, I invited them to select a charity that they found important in their life. After the wedding, I made a contribution to that non-profit, in honor of their new marriage. It has been fun to encourage couples to think of the fact that their happiness and union could be part of a “virtuous upward cycle of good.” People ensconced in meaningful relationships are simply able to give more of themselves, in all ways. Through “Weddings with a Heart” the celebration extended beyond the couple, immediate family members, and friends. My couples have selected charities ranging from the Central Park Conservancy to Food Banks to Little Flowers Children Services, serving the needs of foster and orphaned children in the New York metropolitan area.

As I pondered 2009 and this troubling decade, “Weddings with a Heart,” as sweet as it is, didn’t seem like enough. Suddenly, I was brought back to a discussion I had with a lovely colleague in my Celebrant community. Linda Donnell Stuart is a beautiful woman (inside and out) who lives in Toronto, Canada. Linda works in an inter-generational family business that provides products connected with the funeral industry. Linda trained as a Celebrant, with a particular emphasis on conducting funerals, memorial services, and other ceremonies of healing. During a phone conversation a few months ago, Linda revealed that part of her mission was to help people, while still alive, to think about how they would tell their life story. She conducts workshops to provide tools for participants to work on this project. I loved the idea. But then she revealed to me a component of her practice that absolutely took my breath away. Within the realistic constraints of her professional life and obligations to her husband and family, she planned to offer a personalized “Celebrant” funeral to those who could not afford to pay for such a service. In other words, she and her colleagues would identify families in economically challenging circumstances and offer a Celebrant ceremony on a pro-bono basis. Wow.

I do not know the details and implementation of Linda’s plan, but the concept did speak to me. I believe that everyone, despite “class” (or the more politically correct term “socioeconomic status”) or circumstance deserves to enjoy and relish beautiful ceremonies and rituals. A struggling single Mom would be moved by a baby welcoming just like a financially successful couple. A foster kid needs a coming of age ceremony every bit as much as adolescents who are nurtured in an intact family. And a woman leaving an abusive relationship would find comfort from a healing ceremony addressing a rocky marital break-up or divorce.

So, a big new year’s resolution for me is to reconnect with some of the wonderful New York charities I have worked over the years, and to offer my Celebrancy services as a volunteer. This will include the full-range of ceremonies: weddings, baby welcomings, home blessings, funerals and beyond. The nonprofit leaders will (I hope) locate people who might be in need of a ceremony, and I will provide them with the kindness and attention I try to give to all of my clients. Celebrancy is a somewhat foreign concept to many Americans, and I do not know of the reception I will encounter. Nonprofits, overwhelmed by financial pressures and ever-increasing demands for services, may simply not have the time or staff to be able to accommodate this kind of collaboration—but it is certainly worth a try. I will report back to you, as the year moves along. I welcome your thoughts about this idea. And, Thanks again Linda, for sharing your beautiful spirit with me.

A Winter Wonderland of Weddings

As a celebrant in New York City, I sometimes feel guilty that I have an embarrassment of riches in working with interesting, creative couples coming from many ethnic, cultural, and religious viewpoints. Within the span of about two weeks, I am officiating ceremonies for a bride from the Philippines and her African-American husband; two people of the Christian tradition from mid-America, and an American-born Chinese couple. Each couple brings their own sensibilities and customs to our work together.

It was just last week—in the heart of that once-in-a-decade blizzard—that I climbed on the subway, near my home on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Within an hour, I was transported to another world—the Fort Hamilton section of Brooklyn. On that snowy Saturday evening, I entered a vast Chinese Banquet hall to officiate the wedding of a stunning young Chinese couple Eva and Brian. Like many of my couples, Eva and Brian embodied the American dream. Born in the U.S. to Chinese parents, they were part of an enormous multi-generational family. Brian is a police officer for the NYPD and Eva is a student. Although I arrived a good 45 minutes before the ceremony, the frenzied activities were already underway. The bride and groom—decked out in traditional western wedding regalia—were busy taking photographs with every possible combination of family members and friends.

Each part of the ceremony reminded me that like many New Yorkers, these two straddled two worlds. The food and décor were Chinese to be sure. The respect shown to the family elders was palpable, not always the case in Euro-centric gatherings. Many were in festive red garments, the color of luck for weddings. And the "emcee" of the gathering translated the "important parts" of the ceremony and announcements into Mandarin. The bride’s first garment was a lovely white wedding dress, but she would change dresses after the ceremony into a traditional Chinese garb. Although our ceremony was "short and sweet," I did try to draw in certain Asian cultural references, as well bits and pieces of the love story of our young couple. Immediately following the exchange of vows, the couple was swept away to their first dance, the cake cutting ceremony, and signing the marriage license, not necessarily the standard practice in Chinese ceremonies in Asia. As I gathered my belongings to head back to my corner of the world, I passed a Christmas tree in the front lobby of the hall. I smiled to think of how the modern world allows us—as individuals, couples, and families—to honor and maintain all of those customs, traditions, and philosophies that tether us to our ancestors, while welcoming in new ideas and rituals along the way.

Your Wedding Officiant--A Holiday Wish List

Many couples are tying up plans for their 2010 weddings, before the 2009 holidays are over. Here are some tips and questions to help you find your perfect wedding officiant.

1. Celebrant’s Background. The qualifications one must meet to become an officiant vary from state-to-state. In many cases, those who meet a legal standard of being able to perform ceremonies don’t have specialized training in disciplines appropriate for creating a fabulous ceremony. Don’t be afraid to ask about the Celebrant’s education and training. And if you have concerns about his or her legal status to perform ceremonies, you may certainly ask to see a copy of your officiant’s credentials.

2. Consultation & Creative Process. What is the step-by-step process that the Celebrant uses in writing the ceremony? Will you see a full draft of the ceremony before your big day? If you are dissatisfied with the draft, will the candidate revise it?

3. Sample Work. It is not unreasonable to ask about seeing copies of ceremonies of that the Celebrant has prepared for other couples. You wouldn’t pick food for your reception without a tasting—you needn’t select someone to write your ceremony without looking at the product either.

4. References. While many Celebrants have “endorsements” on their websites and in brochures, if you would like to speak with couples that the candidate has worked with—don’t shy away from asking for a personal reference.

5. Individualized Attention. Some Celebrants are interested in quantity over quality. Will your ceremony be personalized to tell your story or will it be a “cookie cutter” ceremony recycled over and over again? Is the Celebrant willing to work with you in co-creating the ceremony?

6. Rehearsal. Will this person be available for a rehearsal the day of the wedding or even before? Is there an additional charge for that?

7. Back-up. Most of the time, there isn’t a problem with an officiant honoring a commitment on the day of a ceremony, but emergencies do come up from time-to-time. Does this person have appropriate back-up available at a moment’s notice?

8. Flexibility. Is the Celebrant willing to work with you in creating a ceremony, based on your time and availability? Is the candidate willing to meet you between the “interview” and the ceremony, if you wish? Will the Celebrant cooperate with your other vendors—wedding planners, reception managers, musicians, photographers?

9. Follow Up. What are the procedures the candidate follows in filing appropriate legal paper work, such as using a certified mail procedure or a delivery system with a tracking number? Will she/he forward copies of papers filed with various government offices? Will the Celebrant provide you with a copy of your ceremony after your big day?

10. Additional Fees. If travel is necessary for the Celebrant to reach your ceremony site, will she/he charge for transportation costs? Will this person require an overnight stay if the wedding is a considerable distance from home?

Most of all……Do you feel a sense of personal connection when you speak to the Celebrant? Does she have passion about ceremony-making? Do you find that the Celebrant is excited about the prospect of working with you? Does the candidate appropriately “get” that it is an honor to participate in one of the most meaningful days in your life?

Wedding and the City (WATC)

Several years ago, dreaded news was delivered to many American women when HBO announced that the groundbreaking program “Sex and the City” (SATC) would end production. In a retrospective of the show’s success, actress Sarah Jessica Parker and program creator Darren Star speculated about the elements that distinguished SATC from other series. They argued that beyond the witty repartee, it was the City of New York that partly explained the show’s enormous popularity. New York was, in fact, the fifth leading lady of the show, along with Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Carrie. SATC devotees, like my pal Denise, know that Sex and the City shined a light on all that we love about the Big Apple, from famed landmarks to obscure local haunts. As a Celebrant, I have come to consider our heroine NYC as a most important backdrop—or guest, if you will—at destination weddings, large and small.

Lately I have been working with couples travelling to New York for their own special wedding ceremonies, casting iconic New York images as important elements of the wedding. Thanks to the generosity of Cheryl Fielding-LoPalo of Cheryl J. Weddings & Events, I was able to work with Matt and Sherri, a young couple from suburban Washington,D.C. Along with their closest family members, Sherri and Matt wed in Rockefeller Plaza. There is a sweet garden tucked in the middle of Manhattan—602 Loft & Garden, part of the famous “Top of the Rock.” This perfect wedding space is nestled in the bustling midtown area with a manicured garden, reflecting pool, and spectacular landscaping. And in every direction we were surrounded by breathtaking views of NYC’s cityscape. The photo in this posting is our stunning couple poised before St. Patrick’s Cathedral, one of New York’s most important religious institutions.

Likewise, in a few weeks, I will officiate the wedding of a couple from the heartland (Ohio, to be exact). Their dream wedding location: the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza, on Christmas Eve. I suggested a number of other spots that might not be so heavily trafficked and logistically tricky, but their hearts were set. There are a few administrative challenges and no one can “guarantee” that the December 24th ceremony will go off as we hope, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. As I work in the Rockefeller Complex, I have been seeking to “get to know” the security folks who might help facilitate the process on Christmas Eve! My fingers are crossed, and I will report back to you, gentle readers, once that ceremony has been completed.

As I finished up this blog posting, I was on the Facebook page of my friend Christina Buzzetta who (lucky girl) works at TheKnot.com. I smiled when I noticed her profile picture caption was a famous line uttered by our friend Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City: “If you only get one great love, then New York may just be mine.” I think a lot of brides, in New York and beyond, feel just the same way.

The Comfort of Traditions Lost

In 2000, Harvard Professor Robert Putnam wrote the landmark book Bowling Alone. A rare piece of academic work, Bowling Alone actually seeped into popular culture. Putnam uses an array of indicators about the social “connectedness” of Americas (including our participation in bowling leagues, believe it or not) to argue what we already know—these days, Americans are less connected to their communities and extended families. The list of factors contributing to isolation is long but includes sky-high divorce rates, geographic mobility of individuals and families, the fragmentation of extended families, and declining affiliations with communities of faith and ethnic origin, among others. Despite Putnam’s exhaustive and compelling study, I do know is that weddings provide a momentary respite for this descent into social isolation…..weddings offer a rare chance for people to physically re-connect with loved ones and, sometimes, even reach back for lost cultural traditions, even if they are small.

The other day I was having an email exchange with a bride who was marrying a fellow of Italian ancestry. She was interested in integrating “something Italian” into the wedding ceremony. Because so many traditional Italian ceremonies are intimately connected with specifically Roman Catholic services (this was an interfaith marriage, with the ceremony not conducted by a traditional clergy person), she was puzzled about what options might exist.

I did a bit of sleuthing in various books and on websites to find a cornucopia of small rituals that could be woven into any sort of wedding. For example, in Italy, little bags of almonds, known as confetti, are given to the guests after the wedding as keepsakes. The almonds, representing the sweet & bitter nature of life, should come in bags of 5 or 7 almonds, which are supposed to bring good luck. Likewise, I learned that some brides and grooms in Southern Italy break a glass at the end of the wedding day. Common wisdom says that the number of pieces that the glass shatters into represents the number of years that the couple will be happily married. And according to The Knot, the Tarantella—a stately and elegant courtship dance (which if not already, should be added to the repertoire of Dancing with the Stars required performances)—is commonly performed by the Bride and Groom at the reception. After finding wedding favors designed with beautiful Murano glass, made in Venice, I realized the list of ways that a bride could honor her groom’s Italian heritage, was limitless.

As something of a Communitarian myself, my hope is that these nods to culture during wedding planning can spark a sustained interest in family heritage. But it is nice to know that a celebration about love can, at least, open conversations about ethnic ancestry, ceremonial customs, and connections to generations past. And, on the eve of Thanksgiving, for that I am grateful.

Gone, but not Forgotten

From time-to-time I log on to the message boards on weddingbee.com. For those of you who don’t know, it is a no-holds-barred discussion of all things-wedding. I like to keep my finger on the pulse of contemporary brides. Wedding Bee has created an elaborate message board system with threads on dozens of topics (photographers, dresses, florists, etc) and also has message boards for brides in a particular geographic area. These brides provide a treasure trove of information, even on the most arcane topics and delicate etiquette questions.

Of late I have found an interesting and compelling series of discussions about honoring deceased family members during wedding ceremonies. While weddings are joy-filled occasions, it is important for couples to remember who could not be there, as well as those guests in attendance. So the question is—what sorts of ceremonial touches can be added to honor those who have passed.

A number of interesting ideas have been put forward: some brides light a candle in memory of the loved one, perhaps coupled with a photograph of the individual. I have seen such rituals at the beginning of the ceremony and then referenced during the proceedings. One bride said that empty chairs were being left in the front row, representing loved ones lost. Each chair would hold a bunch of flowers. This made me think of a Scandinavian tradition where the bride has two bouquets of flowers—one for the wedding and one to be placed at the grave of the departed relative. Finally, many young women indicated that they were noting their loved ones in the program to be handed out to guests.

Perhaps my favorite activity that served this function took place at a young colleagues wedding. To honor the deceased parents of the groom, there was a butterfly release during the ceremony. According to some Native/First People’s folklore, when one whispers a wish to a silent butterfly, she carries that wish to Heaven. Guests were ask to take a moment to remember the parents.

So while weddings aren’t usually thought of as times to remember those who are no longer with us, there are fantastic and moving options to honor loved ones during creative wedding ceremonies.

p.s. Since writing this essay a year ago, I have now made it a tradition to give each one of "my" brides a vintage butterfly pin, to add to her collection of wedding remembrances. In addition to the wonderful Native American folklore, the butterfly is a fabulous symbol of personal change and growth, for brides and grooms, as individuals and as a couple.

The Bridge to a New Life Together

It is a wonderful thing to live in New York, the home of so many immigrants. There is simply no other place in America where one can find such a variety of people representing virtually every continent and culture. So, a good number of the couples who I am fortunate to marry, come to the Big Apple after a significant personal voyage…literally.

Olga and Maxim had their own heroic journeys to their wedding day. Both born in the Russian Federation, they met here in Brooklyn some years ago. (I cannot help but digress as we have just passed the 20 year anniversary of the falling of the Berlin Wall. I am quite conscious of the fact that during the old days of the "Soviet Empire," my couple would not have had the opportunity to come to the United States—a triumph of peace and diplomacy, indeed.) In many ways their courtship was typical with long walks and conversations, shared interest in music, and the connection to another homeland. They did, however, face challenges of intercontinental separation, jobs changes, and immigration policies, but one thing they knew is that they were meant to be together. A month or so ago, Olga approached me about performing a ceremony on the Brooklyn Bridge, a place of sentimental attachment to her. As a celebrant, I relish the opportunity to perform weddings in unusual venues. I am embarrassed to admit that I had never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, so what better opportunity to make the trek than officiating a wedding, mid-point?

The wedding, on Friday the 13th, coincided with an unusually strong Nor’easter, with rain and very cold blasts of wind. Despite the frigid temperatures, our bride wore a classic, contemporary (and strapless!) dress. Both the “maid of honor,” her sister, and the “best man” were Russian. So, as we approached the vows, I passed the baton to the groom’s dear friend, who recited the vows to the couple, in their mother tongue.

The ceremony was private, just the five of us, and the magnificence of the bridge was not lost on us. As I said in their ceremony, “There are few vistas that are more intimately connected with all of the wonder and hope and grandeur that is New York. This bridge embodies the possibility of human ingenuity, artistic vision, cooperation, and dedication—all elements of successful lives and marriages. Moreover, the bridge is a palpable reminder of connections and transitions, between your lives, your original homeland, your families, and your future. This day and place is a threshold whereby you are passing from two individuals who are deeply in love to become a married couple and a new family.”

And so it was. When performing weddings in public venues, such as this, I always feel as though I am offering a blessing to the passers-by. Who, after all, doesn’t love a wedding? On a cold blustery day, to see a young woman, in full wedding regalia, her sister in a long, beautiful red dress, two dapper young men, and a very cold celebrant engaging in one of the most significant transitional moments in life…..it doesn’t get better than that!