Beautiful Ceremonies for All

The end of the year is always a time of contemplation, reflection, gratitude, and renewed hope. I feel particularly grateful this year as my long-time companion developed a sudden and serious health condition, requiring emergency surgery, just days ago. A supremely healthy individual who takes excellent care of his physical health, my boyfriend’s illness reminded me of the fact that our personal fortunes may change swiftly. I am glad to report that his recovery has been, it appears, as speedy as the lightening-quick onset of the condition. No doubt, this has been an emotional jolt, requiring that I re-evaluate how I spend my time and life.

My entire career has been marked by jobs and charitable activities in the non-profit sector. Over the years, I have been involved in progressive public policy ventures, work with children and families, initiatives with arts and culture institutions, and women’s economic development work, among others. As I have fully embraced my Celebrant practice, performing weddings and other life-cycle ceremonies, I have found that my time—and, frankly my resources—have shifted away from front-line charities, to this endeavor. Indeed, serving as a Celebrant is amazingly rewarding. And, I do believe that connecting with people during some of their most transformative life experiences (both joyous and difficult) is a real form of service. But to be honest, my clients are generally firmly rooted in the middle-class. A while back, I instituted a program, “Weddings with a Heart,” which sought to develop a more direct connection between my good fortune to work in this field with the great needs in New York and beyond. As I developed relationships with “my” couples, I invited them to select a charity that they found important in their life. After the wedding, I made a contribution to that non-profit, in honor of their new marriage. It has been fun to encourage couples to think of the fact that their happiness and union could be part of a “virtuous upward cycle of good.” People ensconced in meaningful relationships are simply able to give more of themselves, in all ways. Through “Weddings with a Heart” the celebration extended beyond the couple, immediate family members, and friends. My couples have selected charities ranging from the Central Park Conservancy to Food Banks to Little Flowers Children Services, serving the needs of foster and orphaned children in the New York metropolitan area.

As I pondered 2009 and this troubling decade, “Weddings with a Heart,” as sweet as it is, didn’t seem like enough. Suddenly, I was brought back to a discussion I had with a lovely colleague in my Celebrant community. Linda Donnell Stuart is a beautiful woman (inside and out) who lives in Toronto, Canada. Linda works in an inter-generational family business that provides products connected with the funeral industry. Linda trained as a Celebrant, with a particular emphasis on conducting funerals, memorial services, and other ceremonies of healing. During a phone conversation a few months ago, Linda revealed that part of her mission was to help people, while still alive, to think about how they would tell their life story. She conducts workshops to provide tools for participants to work on this project. I loved the idea. But then she revealed to me a component of her practice that absolutely took my breath away. Within the realistic constraints of her professional life and obligations to her husband and family, she planned to offer a personalized “Celebrant” funeral to those who could not afford to pay for such a service. In other words, she and her colleagues would identify families in economically challenging circumstances and offer a Celebrant ceremony on a pro-bono basis. Wow.

I do not know the details and implementation of Linda’s plan, but the concept did speak to me. I believe that everyone, despite “class” (or the more politically correct term “socioeconomic status”) or circumstance deserves to enjoy and relish beautiful ceremonies and rituals. A struggling single Mom would be moved by a baby welcoming just like a financially successful couple. A foster kid needs a coming of age ceremony every bit as much as adolescents who are nurtured in an intact family. And a woman leaving an abusive relationship would find comfort from a healing ceremony addressing a rocky marital break-up or divorce.

So, a big new year’s resolution for me is to reconnect with some of the wonderful New York charities I have worked over the years, and to offer my Celebrancy services as a volunteer. This will include the full-range of ceremonies: weddings, baby welcomings, home blessings, funerals and beyond. The nonprofit leaders will (I hope) locate people who might be in need of a ceremony, and I will provide them with the kindness and attention I try to give to all of my clients. Celebrancy is a somewhat foreign concept to many Americans, and I do not know of the reception I will encounter. Nonprofits, overwhelmed by financial pressures and ever-increasing demands for services, may simply not have the time or staff to be able to accommodate this kind of collaboration—but it is certainly worth a try. I will report back to you, as the year moves along. I welcome your thoughts about this idea. And, Thanks again Linda, for sharing your beautiful spirit with me.

A Winter Wonderland of Weddings

As a celebrant in New York City, I sometimes feel guilty that I have an embarrassment of riches in working with interesting, creative couples coming from many ethnic, cultural, and religious viewpoints. Within the span of about two weeks, I am officiating ceremonies for a bride from the Philippines and her African-American husband; two people of the Christian tradition from mid-America, and an American-born Chinese couple. Each couple brings their own sensibilities and customs to our work together.

It was just last week—in the heart of that once-in-a-decade blizzard—that I climbed on the subway, near my home on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Within an hour, I was transported to another world—the Fort Hamilton section of Brooklyn. On that snowy Saturday evening, I entered a vast Chinese Banquet hall to officiate the wedding of a stunning young Chinese couple Eva and Brian. Like many of my couples, Eva and Brian embodied the American dream. Born in the U.S. to Chinese parents, they were part of an enormous multi-generational family. Brian is a police officer for the NYPD and Eva is a student. Although I arrived a good 45 minutes before the ceremony, the frenzied activities were already underway. The bride and groom—decked out in traditional western wedding regalia—were busy taking photographs with every possible combination of family members and friends.

Each part of the ceremony reminded me that like many New Yorkers, these two straddled two worlds. The food and décor were Chinese to be sure. The respect shown to the family elders was palpable, not always the case in Euro-centric gatherings. Many were in festive red garments, the color of luck for weddings. And the "emcee" of the gathering translated the "important parts" of the ceremony and announcements into Mandarin. The bride’s first garment was a lovely white wedding dress, but she would change dresses after the ceremony into a traditional Chinese garb. Although our ceremony was "short and sweet," I did try to draw in certain Asian cultural references, as well bits and pieces of the love story of our young couple. Immediately following the exchange of vows, the couple was swept away to their first dance, the cake cutting ceremony, and signing the marriage license, not necessarily the standard practice in Chinese ceremonies in Asia. As I gathered my belongings to head back to my corner of the world, I passed a Christmas tree in the front lobby of the hall. I smiled to think of how the modern world allows us—as individuals, couples, and families—to honor and maintain all of those customs, traditions, and philosophies that tether us to our ancestors, while welcoming in new ideas and rituals along the way.

Your Wedding Officiant--A Holiday Wish List

Many couples are tying up plans for their 2010 weddings, before the 2009 holidays are over. Here are some tips and questions to help you find your perfect wedding officiant.

1. Celebrant’s Background. The qualifications one must meet to become an officiant vary from state-to-state. In many cases, those who meet a legal standard of being able to perform ceremonies don’t have specialized training in disciplines appropriate for creating a fabulous ceremony. Don’t be afraid to ask about the Celebrant’s education and training. And if you have concerns about his or her legal status to perform ceremonies, you may certainly ask to see a copy of your officiant’s credentials.

2. Consultation & Creative Process. What is the step-by-step process that the Celebrant uses in writing the ceremony? Will you see a full draft of the ceremony before your big day? If you are dissatisfied with the draft, will the candidate revise it?

3. Sample Work. It is not unreasonable to ask about seeing copies of ceremonies of that the Celebrant has prepared for other couples. You wouldn’t pick food for your reception without a tasting—you needn’t select someone to write your ceremony without looking at the product either.

4. References. While many Celebrants have “endorsements” on their websites and in brochures, if you would like to speak with couples that the candidate has worked with—don’t shy away from asking for a personal reference.

5. Individualized Attention. Some Celebrants are interested in quantity over quality. Will your ceremony be personalized to tell your story or will it be a “cookie cutter” ceremony recycled over and over again? Is the Celebrant willing to work with you in co-creating the ceremony?

6. Rehearsal. Will this person be available for a rehearsal the day of the wedding or even before? Is there an additional charge for that?

7. Back-up. Most of the time, there isn’t a problem with an officiant honoring a commitment on the day of a ceremony, but emergencies do come up from time-to-time. Does this person have appropriate back-up available at a moment’s notice?

8. Flexibility. Is the Celebrant willing to work with you in creating a ceremony, based on your time and availability? Is the candidate willing to meet you between the “interview” and the ceremony, if you wish? Will the Celebrant cooperate with your other vendors—wedding planners, reception managers, musicians, photographers?

9. Follow Up. What are the procedures the candidate follows in filing appropriate legal paper work, such as using a certified mail procedure or a delivery system with a tracking number? Will she/he forward copies of papers filed with various government offices? Will the Celebrant provide you with a copy of your ceremony after your big day?

10. Additional Fees. If travel is necessary for the Celebrant to reach your ceremony site, will she/he charge for transportation costs? Will this person require an overnight stay if the wedding is a considerable distance from home?

Most of all……Do you feel a sense of personal connection when you speak to the Celebrant? Does she have passion about ceremony-making? Do you find that the Celebrant is excited about the prospect of working with you? Does the candidate appropriately “get” that it is an honor to participate in one of the most meaningful days in your life?

Wedding and the City (WATC)

Several years ago, dreaded news was delivered to many American women when HBO announced that the groundbreaking program “Sex and the City” (SATC) would end production. In a retrospective of the show’s success, actress Sarah Jessica Parker and program creator Darren Star speculated about the elements that distinguished SATC from other series. They argued that beyond the witty repartee, it was the City of New York that partly explained the show’s enormous popularity. New York was, in fact, the fifth leading lady of the show, along with Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Carrie. SATC devotees, like my pal Denise, know that Sex and the City shined a light on all that we love about the Big Apple, from famed landmarks to obscure local haunts. As a Celebrant, I have come to consider our heroine NYC as a most important backdrop—or guest, if you will—at destination weddings, large and small.

Lately I have been working with couples travelling to New York for their own special wedding ceremonies, casting iconic New York images as important elements of the wedding. Thanks to the generosity of Cheryl Fielding-LoPalo of Cheryl J. Weddings & Events, I was able to work with Matt and Sherri, a young couple from suburban Washington,D.C. Along with their closest family members, Sherri and Matt wed in Rockefeller Plaza. There is a sweet garden tucked in the middle of Manhattan—602 Loft & Garden, part of the famous “Top of the Rock.” This perfect wedding space is nestled in the bustling midtown area with a manicured garden, reflecting pool, and spectacular landscaping. And in every direction we were surrounded by breathtaking views of NYC’s cityscape. The photo in this posting is our stunning couple poised before St. Patrick’s Cathedral, one of New York’s most important religious institutions.

Likewise, in a few weeks, I will officiate the wedding of a couple from the heartland (Ohio, to be exact). Their dream wedding location: the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza, on Christmas Eve. I suggested a number of other spots that might not be so heavily trafficked and logistically tricky, but their hearts were set. There are a few administrative challenges and no one can “guarantee” that the December 24th ceremony will go off as we hope, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. As I work in the Rockefeller Complex, I have been seeking to “get to know” the security folks who might help facilitate the process on Christmas Eve! My fingers are crossed, and I will report back to you, gentle readers, once that ceremony has been completed.

As I finished up this blog posting, I was on the Facebook page of my friend Christina Buzzetta who (lucky girl) works at TheKnot.com. I smiled when I noticed her profile picture caption was a famous line uttered by our friend Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City: “If you only get one great love, then New York may just be mine.” I think a lot of brides, in New York and beyond, feel just the same way.

The Comfort of Traditions Lost

In 2000, Harvard Professor Robert Putnam wrote the landmark book Bowling Alone. A rare piece of academic work, Bowling Alone actually seeped into popular culture. Putnam uses an array of indicators about the social “connectedness” of Americas (including our participation in bowling leagues, believe it or not) to argue what we already know—these days, Americans are less connected to their communities and extended families. The list of factors contributing to isolation is long but includes sky-high divorce rates, geographic mobility of individuals and families, the fragmentation of extended families, and declining affiliations with communities of faith and ethnic origin, among others. Despite Putnam’s exhaustive and compelling study, I do know is that weddings provide a momentary respite for this descent into social isolation…..weddings offer a rare chance for people to physically re-connect with loved ones and, sometimes, even reach back for lost cultural traditions, even if they are small.

The other day I was having an email exchange with a bride who was marrying a fellow of Italian ancestry. She was interested in integrating “something Italian” into the wedding ceremony. Because so many traditional Italian ceremonies are intimately connected with specifically Roman Catholic services (this was an interfaith marriage, with the ceremony not conducted by a traditional clergy person), she was puzzled about what options might exist.

I did a bit of sleuthing in various books and on websites to find a cornucopia of small rituals that could be woven into any sort of wedding. For example, in Italy, little bags of almonds, known as confetti, are given to the guests after the wedding as keepsakes. The almonds, representing the sweet & bitter nature of life, should come in bags of 5 or 7 almonds, which are supposed to bring good luck. Likewise, I learned that some brides and grooms in Southern Italy break a glass at the end of the wedding day. Common wisdom says that the number of pieces that the glass shatters into represents the number of years that the couple will be happily married. And according to The Knot, the Tarantella—a stately and elegant courtship dance (which if not already, should be added to the repertoire of Dancing with the Stars required performances)—is commonly performed by the Bride and Groom at the reception. After finding wedding favors designed with beautiful Murano glass, made in Venice, I realized the list of ways that a bride could honor her groom’s Italian heritage, was limitless.

As something of a Communitarian myself, my hope is that these nods to culture during wedding planning can spark a sustained interest in family heritage. But it is nice to know that a celebration about love can, at least, open conversations about ethnic ancestry, ceremonial customs, and connections to generations past. And, on the eve of Thanksgiving, for that I am grateful.

Gone, but not Forgotten

From time-to-time I log on to the message boards on weddingbee.com. For those of you who don’t know, it is a no-holds-barred discussion of all things-wedding. I like to keep my finger on the pulse of contemporary brides. Wedding Bee has created an elaborate message board system with threads on dozens of topics (photographers, dresses, florists, etc) and also has message boards for brides in a particular geographic area. These brides provide a treasure trove of information, even on the most arcane topics and delicate etiquette questions.

Of late I have found an interesting and compelling series of discussions about honoring deceased family members during wedding ceremonies. While weddings are joy-filled occasions, it is important for couples to remember who could not be there, as well as those guests in attendance. So the question is—what sorts of ceremonial touches can be added to honor those who have passed.

A number of interesting ideas have been put forward: some brides light a candle in memory of the loved one, perhaps coupled with a photograph of the individual. I have seen such rituals at the beginning of the ceremony and then referenced during the proceedings. One bride said that empty chairs were being left in the front row, representing loved ones lost. Each chair would hold a bunch of flowers. This made me think of a Scandinavian tradition where the bride has two bouquets of flowers—one for the wedding and one to be placed at the grave of the departed relative. Finally, many young women indicated that they were noting their loved ones in the program to be handed out to guests.

Perhaps my favorite activity that served this function took place at a young colleagues wedding. To honor the deceased parents of the groom, there was a butterfly release during the ceremony. According to some Native/First People’s folklore, when one whispers a wish to a silent butterfly, she carries that wish to Heaven. Guests were ask to take a moment to remember the parents.

So while weddings aren’t usually thought of as times to remember those who are no longer with us, there are fantastic and moving options to honor loved ones during creative wedding ceremonies.

p.s. Since writing this essay a year ago, I have now made it a tradition to give each one of "my" brides a vintage butterfly pin, to add to her collection of wedding remembrances. In addition to the wonderful Native American folklore, the butterfly is a fabulous symbol of personal change and growth, for brides and grooms, as individuals and as a couple.

The Bridge to a New Life Together

It is a wonderful thing to live in New York, the home of so many immigrants. There is simply no other place in America where one can find such a variety of people representing virtually every continent and culture. So, a good number of the couples who I am fortunate to marry, come to the Big Apple after a significant personal voyage…literally.

Olga and Maxim had their own heroic journeys to their wedding day. Both born in the Russian Federation, they met here in Brooklyn some years ago. (I cannot help but digress as we have just passed the 20 year anniversary of the falling of the Berlin Wall. I am quite conscious of the fact that during the old days of the "Soviet Empire," my couple would not have had the opportunity to come to the United States—a triumph of peace and diplomacy, indeed.) In many ways their courtship was typical with long walks and conversations, shared interest in music, and the connection to another homeland. They did, however, face challenges of intercontinental separation, jobs changes, and immigration policies, but one thing they knew is that they were meant to be together. A month or so ago, Olga approached me about performing a ceremony on the Brooklyn Bridge, a place of sentimental attachment to her. As a celebrant, I relish the opportunity to perform weddings in unusual venues. I am embarrassed to admit that I had never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, so what better opportunity to make the trek than officiating a wedding, mid-point?

The wedding, on Friday the 13th, coincided with an unusually strong Nor’easter, with rain and very cold blasts of wind. Despite the frigid temperatures, our bride wore a classic, contemporary (and strapless!) dress. Both the “maid of honor,” her sister, and the “best man” were Russian. So, as we approached the vows, I passed the baton to the groom’s dear friend, who recited the vows to the couple, in their mother tongue.

The ceremony was private, just the five of us, and the magnificence of the bridge was not lost on us. As I said in their ceremony, “There are few vistas that are more intimately connected with all of the wonder and hope and grandeur that is New York. This bridge embodies the possibility of human ingenuity, artistic vision, cooperation, and dedication—all elements of successful lives and marriages. Moreover, the bridge is a palpable reminder of connections and transitions, between your lives, your original homeland, your families, and your future. This day and place is a threshold whereby you are passing from two individuals who are deeply in love to become a married couple and a new family.”

And so it was. When performing weddings in public venues, such as this, I always feel as though I am offering a blessing to the passers-by. Who, after all, doesn’t love a wedding? On a cold blustery day, to see a young woman, in full wedding regalia, her sister in a long, beautiful red dress, two dapper young men, and a very cold celebrant engaging in one of the most significant transitional moments in life…..it doesn’t get better than that!

With This Ring....

It is the proposal—typically accompanied by the giving of a ring—that begins the engagement, a time of preparation not only for the wedding but the marriage. While I dare say that the typical American bride spends a good bit of time and energy thinking about her engagement ring, the ring vows and exchange during the wedding ceremony seem like a minor point in the entire affair. However, in a richly personalized ceremony, the symbolism of a ring can be nicely underscored.

The power and imagery of the ring is potent—the circle reminds us of the unending nature of love. It is with no beginning or end. The rings are made of precious metals to symbolize not only the value of the relationship but the strength of the bond. Since the time of the ancient Egyptians, people have said that the vein runs from the fourth finger of the left hand to the heart, explaining why most couples wear bands on that finger.
These body adornments are the most immediate sign to the outside world that one person has made an enduring commitment to another.

There are many tidbits of wisdom and folklore surrounding the ring. My good friend Adrienne shared a fun little book with me, Happy is the Bride the Sun Shines On: Wedding Beliefs, Customs, and Traditions by Leslie Jones. Among the many bits of folklore she provides are the following……“The groom should make a wish as he puts the ring on the bride’s finger”……… “It’s lucky if the groom buys the wedding ring with money from the sale of something very dear to him”……. “The number of diamonds in one’s engagement ring is the number of children the bride will bear” ….“It is good luck to have one’s birthstone in her engagement ring, but opals and pearls are bad luck in the ring.”

Despite the standard format of most ring ceremonies, there are interesting “flourishes” one may wish to consider. For instance, more and more modern brides are wearing colored gemstones in engagement rings, which offer fabulous notions that can be incorporated into the wording. One of “my” recent brides received an engagement ring which included sapphires from the groom’s mother. To the ceremony, I added a bit about the meaning of this favorite blue gemstone: the sapphire, a precious emblem of heaven, virtue, truth, constancy, and contemplation.

Likewise if a ring is a family heirloom or was custom-designed for the couple, this is a wonderful chance to discuss the love of family or the intent of the bride and groom in designing and selecting the rings. (As I was writing this blog posting, I even noticed that a socially conscious bride and groom can buy co-called conflict free diamonds, from a progressive company, as advertised on the “Offbeat Bride” website!)

The ring exchange may even allow the community of guests to be involved in the ceremony. I recently led a community blessing of the rings at a modest sized wedding. As we prepared to begin the wedding, the couple’s bands were passed person-to-person to each wedding guest. Each individual held the rings in his or her warm hands for a moment, pausing to offer, in silence, a blessing to the couple. The rings eventually made their way back to the bride and groom, for the vows and exchange.

So, I close these musings with a suggestion to brides, grooms and officiants: the wedding ring vows and exchange, like so many other components of the traditional wedding ceremony, offer a unique moment to personalize the ceremony~

Tying the Knot

Last month, I had the very great pleasure to marry Cynthia and Fran, a lovely couple in Connecticut. From our first email exchange, I could sense that this was a special couple—gentle spirits in a sometimes harsh world. In all of our wedding preparations they were kind, gracious, and lovely.

Cynthia and Fran represented a “dream couple” for any Celebrant. They were creative, innovative, fun and gracious. Both were reflective and considerate and provided fabulous material to help me create a special narrative of their romance and path to the altar. It took a number of years for this romance to blossom, but as I said in the ceremony, this couple embodied the expression, “Good Things Come to Those Who Wait!”

A special ceremonial flourish was courtesy of Fran, who is of Filipino ancestry. From the beginning of our work together, Fran and Cynthia clear that they wanted to pay special honor to his Motherland. After reviewing numerous ritual choices, they decided that they wanted to include a traditional “cording” ceremony as they took their wedding vows. Many ethnic and religious traditions provide colorful rituals to represent the unification of a man and a woman (not to mention two families and potentially two cultures) in the wedding proceedings. In this sweet ritual, the mothers of our bride and groom lovingly placed a decorative cord over the necks of the bride and groom. The ritual had several interpretations. The cord was symbolically placed in a figure eight configuration, representing the infinite nature of the new union—marriage is for all time. Moreover, the strength of the cord, as shown in the picture below, is a visual representation of the power of the marriage union. Just lovely!

The cording ceremony is part of a long list of unifying rituals ranging from “handfasting” to sand ceremonies. I relish the opportunity to draw in the customs of the bride and/or groom’s ethnic background(s) in fashioning a ceremony. The expressions of love and commitment are limitless and American couples are increasingly drawing upon the customs of their countries of origin, allowing an expansive cornucopia of beautiful ceremonies. So for this lovely experience, I thank my bride and groom, their extraordinary family members, the staff of the Stonecroft Inn and such and Ian Pawluck photographer capturing the moment.

Variety is the Spice of Life

The gift of a Celebrant led wedding is a personalized ceremony that reflects the uniqueness of the couple. I may be biased, but I think there is a natural selection process—men and women who seek out celebrants tend to be particularly fascinating people. We give our clients permission to go beyond the standardized “cookie cutter” ceremonies that are prevalent in popular culture. Rather, we encourage a dynamic, creative process and plenty of “thinking outside the box.” Such was the case with a beachside wedding in September for two scholars.

My couple had a colorful story and took great care in planning every aspect of the wedding, giving each detail—the processional, attendants, flowers, music, and apparel—
their own imprimatur. Two ceremonial selections were especially compelling, I thought. The bride, originally from a central European country, had a number of her family members attending—some of whom had limited comprehension of English. As such, the entire ceremony was spoken in English and her native tongue. I would speak one paragraph, followed by the translation by a family member. It was quite touching to see the responses of the bride’s family when the words were read in her mother language. Even without on-site translation, bi-lingual components can be added to a wedding with the help of tools like online translation services. This wedding addition serves to honor the ethnic origins of the participants, in an unforgettable fashion.

Likewise, my couple selected an uncommon food-related custom as part of the closing portion of the wedding. While Western weddings place great emphasis on food and drinks, it is normally reserved for lavish feasts during the reception. However, a number of religious, ethnic and cultural traditions incorporate food rituals into the wedding ceremony. Perhaps the most familiar is the sharing of wine in Jewish, French, and Greek weddings. In Chinese weddings, two goblets of honey and wine are tied together with a red ribbon and shared by the bride and groom. Greek weddings may end with honey and walnuts on a silver spoon, a sign of sweetness and fertility. Certain Middle Eastern cultures will offer sweet milk and dates during the wedding. The list goes on and on.

So, after great consideration, my couple selected a ritual, “partaking of spices,” that is tied to Africa. Four small spice bowls were filled with the elements of life: lemon juice for sorrow, vinegar for bitterness, cayenne pepper for passion, and honey for sweetness. The bride, having spent considerable time studying in Africa, was quite fond of this idea. And in typical fashion, the bride and groom customized the ingredients to most closely connect with “their story.” The vinegar was exchanged for a stout Slavic spirit and honey was replaced by one of their favorite sweet candies. This part of the program was choreographed and narrated by one of their attendants. This was a fantastic ending to a superb wedding.

It is a real pleasure working with such an outstanding couple who have rich life experiences that can inspire a memorable wedding ceremony. I am utterly certain that this bride and groom will bring the same flourish and innovation to all that they do, personally and professionally. Peace and All Good Things!

East Meets West: A Perfect Blend of Old and New in a Wedding Ceremony

Last month, I officiated the wedding of Ben and Jane. Ben is a dashing member of the financial community here in New York. From Britain, Ben reminds me a bit of James Bond (during the Pierce Brosnan years). Jane is a willowy beauty of Chinese ancestry. The two embody understated sophistication. Together we created a ceremony that brought together the best of both worlds, East and West, just like the bride and groom.

Their wedding was held in the W Hotel-Union Square in Manhattan. As one would expect in a W Hotel, it was a sleek, modern building with streamlined furnishings and a minimalist design. In speaking with John Benke, he explained that the building was erected in the early 1900s and was previously the Guardian Life Building, a landmark in the Beaux Arts tradition. The area in which the wedding was held, unlike the overall décor of the hotel, was highly ornate with extraordinary marble and stunning ceiling adornments and fixtures--a real hidden gem and a remembrance of the building’s original grandeur. The wedding decorations were relatively simple, letting the spectacular beauty of the room stand out.

Like the location, the wedding was a perfect combination of tradition and modernity. The couple used a classical string trio and a brief conventional ceremony. In honor of her Asian ancestry, Jane used her Chinese name during the exchange of vows. This gesture must have been touching for her family members.

One ceremonial element that the couple included was a signing of a ceremonial wedding document, following the vows and ring exchange. Document signings are a fixture in traditional Jewish weddings. The ketubah, a marital agreement, is signed by the bride and groom before the ceremony and is read out under the chuppah, the wedding canopy. According to my celebrant colleagues, the signing of a ceremonial marriage license during wedding is enjoying renewed popularity. This simple ritual is a striking visual reinforcement of the verbal vows taken moments before.

Perhaps the sweetest bridge to the East in this wedding was the private tea ceremony held by the families of the bride and groom, earlier in the day. In Asian cultures this is a most important feature of the union, where families meet to partake in a highly choreographed ritual embodying honor, dignity and family commitment. (Even Ben was required to speak some Mandarin during the ceremony, which caused him a good bit of anxiety!) In a time when the mantra of New York weddings is often “the bigger, the better,” it is heartwarming to know that for this special couple, it was the private ceremony that anchored the day.

My hat is off to these two promising individuals who superbly designed their wedding to reflect their histories and sensibilities.

Photographs courtesy of David Myles Photography.

Wedding Ceremonies in the Key of Life

I recently had the opportunity to marry a musically-inclined bride and groom. Jackie and Craig march to the beat of their own drummer, and their wedding beautifully reflected that fact. There was a subtle, sweet musical score that one could hear throughout the ceremony.

The couple met serendipitously at a concert in Ann Arbor, Michgan. They were at a local club to hear the “Dirtbombs” . After some flirtation and an exchange of email addresses, they met for a date a few weeks later. The rest, as they say, is history.

Jackie and Craig are not only music lovers, they are educators, too. A few years ago, they moved to New York to pursue teaching careers. Along the way, they formed a band "Rock ‘n’ Roll Monkey and the Robots,” made a home, and decided to marry. Clearly they were in perfect harmony.

This syncopated couple had a “Rockabilly” band at their reception. The lead electric guitarist played Mendelssohn’s Wedding March as the bride was escorted down the aisle. While the rendition seemed more in line with the annual South by Southwest Festival in Austin than suburban Long Island where the wedding was held, it was a perfect anthem for the couple.

As you can see from the photo, our off-beat bride let her creativity and personality shine through in all aspects of the wedding. Her sister, a design student in New York City, fashioned the retro-dress. Jackie bore a striking resemblance to the beloved Audrey Hepburn, don’t you think?

I am so happy when a couple like Craig and Jackie, who do so much for so many people, can orchestrate a wedding that perfectly suits their sensibilities. Bravo!!

Photo courtesy of Clint Spaulding.

The Art of a Beautiful Ceremony

New York is an absolute treasure trove of multi-talented people, doing interesting work. Last year, I was volunteering with “Arts to Grow,” a worthy nonprofit that places practicing artists in public elementary school classrooms (a much-needed response to reduced funding for arts education programs). As part of ATG’s benefit committee, I had the opportunity to get to know Katherine Gressel, a petite dynamo with art & arts administration degrees from Yale and Columbia. Like many of us, Katherine wears several hats—she works with ATG, while perfecting her own craft and being involved in numerous community-spirited activities. Through a posting on Facebook, I noticed one of Katherine’s fabulously interesting projects that spoke to my work as a wedding officiant. Katherine drew my attention to a “live art” project—a painting—that she had done during a wedding and reception at a lovely venue in upstate New York. The commissioned work was a beautiful representation of the day’s festivities; it must have been incredibly meaningful gift for the bride and groom.

Seeing Katherine’s piece was something of a “Eureka” moment for me about integrating art and a special moment in life. In pondering Katherine’s gift to the couple, I suddenly thought of dance performances painted by Degas or Leroy Neiman creating abstract art during an athletic competition. I was truly excited by this prospect of “marrying” art and a lovely wedding ceremony.

The notion of bringing an artist to a marriage celebration fits, I think, into an emerging trend. These days, couples are relying less on videography (or may choose to skip it all together) and more on still photographs. Many brides and grooms are not satisfied with the “standard” shots including family members, arranged in every possible combination and permutation. Rather, my couples want innovative, unusual, artistic photos of their big day. An extraordinary painting of the celebration seems a logical extension of this sentiment. While an artist could certainly create an interesting piece of art after the event, based on a special photograph, why not draw the artist into this glorious occasion?

After pondering this idea for a while, I learned that there are artists who specialize in this kind of project, working at weddings, large parties, charity events, and other celebrations. I recognize that this arrangement might be out of the budget of many couples today. But even cost-conscious brides and grooms might consider a younger, less-established artist. New York is certainly full of such individuals—but so is every community in America! And with the internet, the joining of eager artists and creative couples is only an email away.

Whether a couple chooses to add this extra ceremonial flourish to the wedding day or it is conceived of as a once-in-a-lifetime gift, I cannot think of a grander way to commemorate a couple’s “I Dos.”

The location of this wedding was Osborn Castle/Cat Rock in Garrison, NY. For more of Katherine's work see her website.

Katherine Gressel Live Painting from Nathaniel Armstrong on Vimeo.

The Blessings of Animals

I am suffering a bit of insomnia this Sunday, as I will be officiating a wedding in Central Park. The weather, with light, but persistent, showers, may have something else in mind for us. The bride and groom, Sarah and Bill, are terrific. Sarah is a dog lover and decided that their beloved pooch Boefje should be the ring bearer. While this may strike some as odd, in the Celebrant community it is not that uncommon, believe it or not. For, a hallmark of the Celebrancy movement worldwide is a deep appreciation for all creatures.

It is a fitting time for Boefje’s wedding debut, as we are approaching the Saint’s Day for Francis of Assisi. Many are familiar with the beautiful St. Francis prayer (Lord make me an instrument of your peace, where there is hatred, let me sow love….), but he is also well known for his love of animals. Indeed, this is the time of year when many churches, Catholic and Protestant open their Sanctuaries for the “Blessing of the Animals.” A Christian church around the corner from my apartment, for instance, proudly displays a banner for today’s “Blessing of the Animals.” As we passed by the church yesterday, walking home from the Metropolitan Museum, my boyfriend noticed the sign and murmured about the silliness of it all. As a good Celebrant, I tried to remind him that in modern America—and particularly in a place like New York— pets have taken on a vital role as family members, for many. With extended families on the decline and vast numbers of people living alone, pets provide companionship and unconditional love for so many. The Celebrancy community acknowledges these connections by routinely leading services related to animals, such as pet memorials. My Celebrant colleague Dorry Bless, for instance, is officiating a ceremony in October at St. Hubert’s Animal Welfare Center (http://www.sthuberts.org/), where she will bless the wonderful dogs being raised to work as guide and service dogs for the blind and disabled.

Recently I came across an article in the Christian magazine Guideposts, most often associated with the great Norman Vincent Peale. The piece described a minister who was struggling with a dwindling congregation in North Weymouth, Massachusetts, outside Boston. “Out of nowhere” the idea came to her—to let congregants bring their animals to worship services. It was a huge success! (http://www.guideposts.com/story/bring-your-dog-church.)

It is refreshing and energizing to see so many spiritually-inclined institutions recognizing the role that animals play in our communities. I’m glad the Celebrancy community is at the forefront. So, as I close, the sun is nearly rising. We are keeping our collective fingers (and paws) crossed that Boefje will have his debut.

p.s. We did end up having the wedding outside. It was cold and wet, but the dog looked mighty cute.

Wedding with a Heart

Charity has always been important to me. For years I have worked in the nonprofit sector and been active in philanthropic causes. That charitable impulse is one of the reasons that Celebrancy was so appealing to me—this is a lovely, creative way to be of service to people during important moments in their lives. So, it was a natural next step when I decided “marry” my Celebrancy practice with charitable giving.

I recently decided to launch “wedding with a heart.” It is a simple idea. For each wedding that I am lucky enough to officiate, I will make a contribution to a charity of the couple’s choice. For me, this is a small way of “giving back.” I am exceedingly grateful to do this kind of work—why not share my good fortune with others? With nonprofits facing financial struggles due to the recession, they can certainly use the assistance. And, there is no better way to recognize the love of the individuals who are marrying, than shining a light on things that they care about. So my couple who will be married in New York City’s Central Park this weekend have asked that a donation be made to the Central Park Conservancy, to maintain their beloved park.

I think it is an emerging trend to link the gift of falling in love and marrying with sharing one’s blessings. For instance, in 2002 the “I Do Foundation” was started in Washington, D.C. The Foundation has developed partnerships with major retailers, so that when couples receive gifts purchased through these stores, a donation will be made to a charity of the Bride and Groom’s choice. Some brides and grooms skip gifts altogether, asking that donations be made directly to charity instead.

So, my little contribution is one little way to keep the virtuous cycle of loving going and giving.

Romance on the Danube

I write to you from beautiful Budapest, Hungary, one of the grand cities of the Austro- Hungarian Empire. I have been fortunate to spend time over here during the last several years, as it is the motherland of my partner Laszlo. Budapest is a beautiful, stately city, hugging the Danube River. Now two decades since the fall of Communism, Budapest is restoring its luster of eras gone by.

My love of weddings well pre-dates my becoming a Celebrant. During much of my 30’s, I travelled a good deal. It was a wonderful time of self-growth and learning, one that I hope positively informs my Celebrancy practice. No matter where I wandered, I was always on the lookout for weddings. From near or far, I truly enjoyed peeking in on these happy days for brides, grooms, and their families. And I prided myself on having a “sixth sense” of knowing when and where I might run into a wedding celebration (think “Wedding Crashers” meets “Roman Holiday”).

As I am now an officiant, I use any travel opportunity to help me become a more creative Celebrant—meeting new colleagues, visiting museums, or learning about local wedding customs. So, of course, coming to Hungary has piqued my curiosity of wedding customs in Central Europe.

Of those Hungarians declaring a religious affiliation, about half are Roman Catholic, about 20 percent are Protestant, with small numbers of Greek Orthodox and Jews. According to a wedding traditions website, all Hungarian marriages must have a civil ceremony. Many couples choose to have a religious ceremony after the civil service. Some, in fact, parade from the civil service immediately to the house of worship.

In the past, Hungarian brides wore colorful dresses, heavily embroidered with flower motifs. In her elaborate dress, with many petticoats and an impressive headpiece, symbols of wheat were sewn in, as a sign of fertility. Today, most brides wear modern “western style” white bridal gowns. During traditional church ceremonies, it is customary for the bride and groom to sit on a platform, outside the house of worship. As guests arrive, they will read poems, sing songs, or share memories or good wishes with the bride and groom. And, today it is still customary for couples to wear wedding rings on their left hands during the engagement period. After the wedding ceremony, the rings are switched to the right hand. After the wedding the bride gives a gift of three or seven handkerchiefs to the groom. Both three and seven are thought to be lucky numbers. The groom usually presents his bride with a small bag of coins—this symbolizes that the husband will give all that he has to his new bride, entrusting her with his worldly fortunes. The wedding reception includes food and drink and things near and dear to the hearts of Hungarians—most notably food heavily seasoned with Paprika, the national treasure to which Hungarians attribute magical properties.

The photo included here is from a Saturday wedding that I ambled into while walking around the Castle in Budapest. Wonderful!

Home is where the Heart Is

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of marrying two lovely young people Gail and Jason. Theirs was a quintessential modern day romance—intercontinental and filled with demanding professional obligations. Jason and Gail met while in graduate school at the University of Edinburgh. Their time together in Scotland, affirmed their love for one another, first as friends, then as flat mates, and finally as a romantic couple. Upon graduation, Jason, a native Texan, returned to the United States to attend law school at Mr. Jefferson’s University, the University of Virginia. A marriage proposal last Thanksgiving led to the inevitable question, “Where should such a globe-trotting couple marry?” With friends and family coming from all points in America, as well as Australia, the U.K. and Continental Europe, New York became the “logical” choice for the wedding. What is better than a late summer wedding in Central Park?

I was so honored to lead the ceremony, in part because of my own Scottish ancestry. (I must admit that I was thrilled to learn that there are relatives in the bride’s family that share my surname “Ritchie.”) Our planning was remote—via email and telephone, but I came to feel kinship with these two. The wedding was held in a sweet Gazebo in the southern part of Central Park, a little nest known as the "Cop Cot Gazebo." Interestingly, this is a Scottish phrase which, translated, means “the little house on the crest of the hill.” Perfect, right?

There were touches of Scotland all around—from the kilts worn by several members of the wedding party to the Scottish flag on which the wedding cake was lovingly placed. However, I am confident that our couple and their friends and family members felt very much at home in the Big Apple.

As my celebrancy practice continues to bloom, I anticipate working with many more couples who make New York their wedding destination. As I did with Jason and Gail, I stand ready to help with all aspects of the wedding preparations including venue selection, assistance with music, flowers and other wedding elements, travel arrangements, and the challenges of negotiating a wedding license at the New York City Clerk’s office. So Congratulations Gail and Jason! You were a complete joy to work with.

Photograph by Jeffrey Mosier Photography

Wedding Belles & Wedding Bells

For many reasons, young couples request private, impromptu weddings in New York. Through the generosity of my Celebrant colleague Shauna Kanter, I was afforded the opportunity to perform such a ceremony yesterday morning. After cursory email exchanges, I was asked to perform a “standard,” no frills ceremony for a young couple downtown. They needed to have their legal paperwork in order, before heading off to Europe for a grand, destination wedding attended by family and friends. My impression was that they would be fine if I dropped by their apartment and provided them with an experience like one they might have with a notary public….impersonal, bland, quick, and perfunctory. I, of course, would have none of it! In these instances, I try—gently, I hope—to remind brides and grooms that while their focus has been on their public wedding, this moment was important and special in its own way. THIS was a date they will always remember, when they take vows representing promises made long ago in their hearts. Why rush through it? Even without a fancy ceremony, we (the bride, groom, myself, and the witnesses) could savor this day in the life of these beautiful young people. And so we did.

As I had my hair done for the occasion, I dashed off special words for “my” couple that might help them remember this day for its own unique wonder. I arrived at their door carrying a bag of celebrant tricks: a hastily prepared bouquet of flowers from my local bodega—pretty pink and white flowers tied with white satin ribbon; a “bride’s cake” (vanilla cupcake with vanilla icing from “Crumbs”) and “groom’s cake” (chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing) for sharing sweets after the vows; and a bundle of white balloons. I couldn’t manage to get butterflies or doves for a post ceremony release, but these worked fabulously.

I was extremely pleased that the couple and their attendants had gotten into the spirit of the day. The bride looked stunning in a strapless white dress. The groom wasn’t wearing anything special, but he was beaming. After initially thinking that they wouldn’t “bother” to take pictures, they changed their mind. Soon, the bridesmaid was wielding a video camera with the passion and prowess of Steven Speilberg, while the best man took photos throughout our little ceremony. These are keepsakes, after all!

We made our way to a fabulous roof garden. The only request of the bride and groom was that we time the ceremony so that the declaration of marriage would coincide with the bells ringing at noontime. Their building was near a famous clock tower in lower Manhattan. I was game! In the early days, the bells tolled after weddings to chase demons and evil spirits away. I provided an alternative description. I suggested to our bride and groom that in the future, be it in their neighborhood, on a holiday in Europe or anywhere else, when they heard bells to return to this intimate ceremony and remember all the blessings that had been bestowed upon them. So often we rush through moments in life, be they small or “big,” without savoring them. Many cultures use bells and chimes to center the mind and spirit. And bells chiming, in churches or elsewhere, are such a joyous expression of love and marriage. (One of my favorite movie moments of all time is that scene from the Sound of Music where two of the Von Trapp boys are ringing the Cathedral bells after Maria and the Captain are married!). What a lovely idea this was.

So our ceremony commenced. Vows were exchanged. And when the bells started at noontime, I declared them Man and Wife! In a delicious coda, after the ceremony was over the bride said, “It’s a funny thing, we hated those bells going off when we moved into this apartment.” Isn’t it nice how our perspective can change?

So, to my young couple, peace and all good things. Have a most fabulous celebration in Europe. Blessings to you.

(Cyber) Web of Love

Today is a special day. Katie Price and her beloved Anthony are getting married! Katie’s mother Janet is a childhood friend of mine. Janet, a beautiful woman inside and out, was a lovely young bride. She and her adoring Steve grew up together—their happy marriage has seen them through Steve’s medical school, residency, board exams, and the birth and rearing of eight (yes 8!) much loved children. Katie is the oldest. Janet’s marriage is always one that I hold up as an example of how it can really work. She and Steve adore each other and even after more than 20 years of marriage, they have weekly “date night.” Janet glows when she speaks of Steve (and vice-versa). Katie could not have had more loving role models of a married couple.

It wasn’t a surprise when her lovely daughter Katie got engaged before finishing nursing school. In typical “Price family fashion,” Katie finished school, passed her nursing exams, and prepared for a wedding, all without breaking a sweat. No doubt, this wedding will be a magnificent occasion. The Price family is deeply faithful and this celebration will be about much more than flowers and food at the reception.

Over these months of wedding preparation, I have been amused by the wonderful power of “social media” to draw in the Price Family’s enormous and sprawling network of friends and family into the process. We as Celebrants sometimes lament that the time leading up to the wedding often has little to do with marriage and a lot to do with party planning. In an effort to address this imbalance, we offer spiritually inclined “showers” that allow for friends and family of the bride (or the bride and groom) to gather as a community offering her advice, support, comfort and wisdom (as opposed to lingerie from Victoria’s Secret or pre-registered gifts from Crate & Barrel). In certain respects, I have witnessed this sort of coming together on Facebook, of all places. After some trepidation about social networking, Baby Boomers (and those of us lodged between the Boomers and Gen X) have embraced Facebook with great enthusiasm. So throughout Katie’s engagement, I was able to read loving postings from Mom Janet, Katie’s sweet Aunts, Cousins, her Grandparents, and many friends. Mixed with words of loving kindness were the fun updates on wedding planning “stuff” (“We went to hear musicians today”…..”We did reception food tastings”……”Katie had her final fitting”…..). We were all part of the wedding planning process. In these final days before the wedding, Janet posted meaningful passages and appropriately sentimental wedding songs from You Tube. Last night’s selection, “I Loved Her First,” by Heartland, allowed me to shed tears in unison with another family friend in the Midwest.

So as those of us in remote locations wait for the inevitable pictures posted on Facebook after the big event, we are connected together in a cyber-web of love and appreciation for a young bride and groom, a loving family and the many blessings that have been bestowed upon them. We raise our hearts to Katie and Anthony!

Peace and all good things. Love, Aunt-ish Sarah

Social Science Research Meets Love

As I have fully embraced my role as a celebrant, I find myself thinking about relationships and marriages a lot. We celebrants take great pride in “telling the story” of the couple about to be married. It is a wonderful, sweet, moving part of the ceremony–how “our” couple found each other, fell in love, and decided to marry. I try to fill these stories with all of the gravity (and levity) that a wedding day deserves.

This morning I decided to try an experiment. On my facebook page, I invited “friends” to tell me how they met their beloved. A couple of dozen individuals replied. It was great fun reading about their experiences. While there were some themes among the folks who replied, the bottom line: magic–just plain magic–happens all the time. I don’t know if my sample is a representative one, but a few people met in school, some met at work. I had a good number of “was introduced by a mutual friend,” etc. etc.

But then there were posts like this, from my high school friend Melody: I was working a 2nd job bartending part-time when I was a single mom w/ 2 boys and he was the Budweiser man. He never knew what hit him, he is still shaking his head 17 years later. Or how about this, from my colleague Cheryl: we met in a baseball chat room just by chance. I had never been in a chatroom and it was the first time I wandered in. Started talking to him, then after about 2 hours of online talk, he wanted my number. I was anxious, but something told me to give it to him. We talked for another three hours and then every night since then. After 4 months of long distance talk, we met in person, hit it off, and we decided that I should move to NYC. Moved in Sept 05, got married Nov 07, going on two years now! Everytime I meet a couple, I am dumb struck by the “chances” that they found each other. It is all a wonderful miracle of the universe.

This evening, after work, I was out with a few of my girlfriends. These ladies are dynamite–smart, attractive, witty, accomplished, and kind. And, for the most part, they are still looking for amazing companionship. In a city like New York, for women of a certain age, the oft-quoted statistics can be overwhelming. But, I hope when these super women read this blog they might take away my hypothesis–magic happens all the time. It can happen anytime. And it need only happen once.

p.s. The shot above is of Carmie and Bob. They recently renewed their wedding vows in NY, in honor of their 10th wedding anniversary. She is originally from Montreal; Bob is from Toronto. They met on a seemingly mundane business training trip to NYC, 12 years ago. Magic.